i guess i have reached the point in my treatment where everything is breaking down. i just have to hold on for 2 more treatments. i know i can do it but damn, today is a real low point.

the radiation is piling up in my system. they told me “it’s cumulative” but i just didn’t really understand the depth of what that meant. my body’s ability to handle this level of abuse seems to be pretty well gone. every side effect is hitting me all at once and plenty of new ones too. (jaw popping! taste buds dead! itchy scalp!) i’m weaning off the steroids that have been boosting me while making me shouty, bouncing off the walls and having heart palpitations, which is both a good and a bad thing at the same time because it no longer is helping much with the side effects it was helping with originally, like my vision issues. i’m down to a half mg a day and have been told to stop on saturday.

and apparently – who knew – only getting a few hours sleep after WAY overdoing it yesterday with election day sign waving antics and picking up a mutual aid delivery and working and then watching the returns til way too late last night was a recipe for disaster today. it seems to have really affected my hormones/emotions and left me with no filter, no control, uncontrollable crying jags, a quick temper, less than zero energy, fucked up my eyesight to a degree that is almost comical that i haven’t injured myself today, and also i can’t sleep. i want to nap so bad and i can’t fall asleep cuz i’m so agitated and exhausted and just unsettled all the time. my head feels like it’s buzzing. and stuffed with cotton balls. at the same time.

i’m not gonna spend a lot of time talking about yesterday and the elections/returns last night (though yay, overall!) but it was both a super high nationally and a disappointing low locally/statewide. so again, emotions all over the place. i couldn’t stop watching last night even from the bed. it was well past 1am when i finally turned the tv off and the cats started trying to wake me up around 5ish though i didn’t get out of bed til 6 – not sure if i slept in between or not. but the combo of all the feels about how the elections actually went with the lack of sleep and everything else has really had me emo today, on and off.

i worked a bit, canceled one appointment cuz the client was wanting to reschedule and it just didn’t work with my treatment time, picked up more mutual aid stuff at zeus’ (my car is now full and smells like a nauseating combo of cleaning products and partially open cheap dry dog food until i can deliver it) and then tried to come home to nap but was not able to do so.

and then it was time to go down to UMC. i wasn’t keeping very good track of time and set out a little late, which always puts me in the uncomfortable position of worrying about whether there will be a parking spot in the oncology parking lot or if i’ll have to drive further away to park and then hoof it back over there to get to my appointment on time. so i show up stressed. there wasn’t really a spot though there are these 2 spots at the very interior end of the super small lot that are not really spots but people park in them anyway cuz most folks who use it are not there for very long and if you have a pass they generally leave you alone. so as i was pulling in, someone was pulling out of one those spots and it was the only one available so i pulled in and made sure i wasn’t parked in a way that would keep the cars on any side of me from exiting or entering – both ended up having nice chatty black men sitting in them waiting for folks who were inside and they both assured me there was no problem with them getting around my car. so i parked, locked up and started walking towards the entrance… when a security guard from INSIDE came out the front door and told me i couldn’t park there. so i asked why not, because people always park there and i have a pass and i’m only gonna be there for 20 minutes for my radiation treatment and it was the only spot open so if i can’t park there i will be late to my appointment and will have to walk a long distance, blah blah blah.

he was not moved and started yelling at me saying he’d already called enforcement to come tow/boot cars and mine would be impounded by the time i got done so i better go move it or else. so of course in my already compromised state, i burst into tears and started ranting and raving. i turned around and went back to my car and told the nice men i’d talked to that i had to move my car cuz the asshole security guard had called enforcement on me. they were very sweet and sympathetic but i was sobbing uncontrollably at that point and angry. and just as i got to my car i saw the enforcement vehicle pull up which was not a tow truck but just a parking cop in a compact car who got out and told me i couldn’t park there. so then, crying, i told him what had just happened and the guys in the cars i’d been talking to both interjected on my behalf and the parking cop assessed the situation, looking around the fully parked up lot, and then said, who told you you couldn’t park there? and i motioned to the security guard inside who was still standing in the doorway. and the parking cop said, you have a pass? you’re a patient? you can park there. i’m the one who determines if you can park there, not them, and it’s ok, as long as these cars can get out and others can get into spots around you. he wasn’t terribly sympathetic to my state of mind and kept talking over me and not letting me actually answer the questions he was asking but in the end he let me stay there.

so now i’m a fucking crying mess who has made a scene and can’t stop crying and is late and has to go into the building and through the security stop at the front door which is where that asshole security guard was working. (it’s always a different security guard every day at that metal detector station and i’d never seen this guy before so hopefully i won’t ever see him again.) i handed him my metal stuff and walked through without saying a thing cuz i was worried i’d tell him off and get detained or something and made my way into the radiation area and checked in. i was hoping i’d have a minute to meditate and calm myself down before anyone saw me… but no, the dressing room was COMPLETELY FUCKING FULL OF AN ENTIRE FAMILY waiting for their loved one who was finishing their radiation treatment today and was gonna ring the bell. so it was all festive and loud and crowded and did i mention it’s the WOMEN’S dressing room and half this family was men? ugh. not conducive to meditating or calming down. i was lucky to find a seat to even sit. still crying.

and then the techs started coming in to try to grab me but saw i was crying and then ya know fawned all over me trying to “help” but i just asked for a few minutes. and thankfully then the man’s family left cuz he was all finished up and they had their bell ringing out in the hallway and the dressing room emptied out except one woman who’s been there a bunch and is getting radiated for lung cancer (cuz we’ve talked in the past but today she was engrossed in her phone in a recipe for turkey gumbo that she was listening to loudly) but at least it got kinda quiet. and the techs gave me a minute. so i was able to collect myself.

they came back and got me and i said let’s just do this, i don’t want to talk about it, cuz i was worried i’d just lose it again. laying down on the table and having the mask strapped on was actually calming for once though it was really hard to not fall back into sobbing while the treatment was happening. but i made it through, counting my breaths.

afterwards i told the techs the short version and they were really sweet and apologetic and i’m sure they’ve seen so much worse. the funny part was there was a student sitting in today who’d been on duty for me before who apparently “chose” me as the time period she wanted to be there cuz i’m easy and pleasant to deal with (sorry about today!) but it was all good. we all acknowledged i only have 2 more left and on friday I AM THE ONE WHO GETS TO RING THE BELL!

that was a long and dumb story but i just needed to purge it. maybe now i can go nap. hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. thanks for reading y’all, and for all the ways all of you keep showing up for me and helping me through this. the money, the food, the calls/texts/messages, and drop-ins, the offers for all kinds of help i can’t seem to take, all of it. it’s all been very sweet and made me feel less alone in this. i really couldn’t be doing this without you. or would at least be a whole lot MORE miserable than i feel today.

2.more.days. i can do it.

love y’all.